*Or as she who must be obeyed would describe them; “more toys”.

Travelling to Bangkok to meet Camberley provided an opportunity to head for the shops to obtain a vital piece of equipment; a monitor calibration tool.

I cannot pretend to being particularly colour aware. I suspect that I am slightly colour blind, and if I open alternate eyes then a piece of white paper switches between appearing almost white and appearing almost yellow. If I close both eyes, the problem goes away, but that is hardly a solution. So, when working on photos I am not the most adept at ensuring that the white balance or the colours are correct. But even my best efforts are useless if the monitor is incorrectly calibrated. What looks OK on my monitor may look entirely different on another monitor. This may be because the other monitor is way out of calibration, but that’s not my problem. At least I should ensure that my monitor is displaying colours correctly.

For some years I have been calibrating with a little tool called the Spyder 2. I’d hang it in front of my monitor, run a software program, and it would do the job. And then it didn’t. The makers had failed to keep the software up to date and it wouldn’t run when I upgraded to Lion. What to do?

Write a stern letter of complaint, demand a refund and swear never to buy their products again. Alternatively, give the Spyder 2 to Nik and go and get a brand new Spyder 3. Always one for the wimpy solution, I chose the latter.

I wanted the cheap and cheerful Express version; ideal for a semi-colourblind hack with limited needs for accuracy. So I went into the shop and asked for it. “No have”.

So, with much reluctance I would have to settle for the Pro version. designed for “Serious photographers and creative pros”. I don’t think I qualify for either category, but I told the shop I would just have to buy the Pro version. “No have”.

All they had left was the Elite model, “Display Calibration for Professional Photographers, Studios and Ninjas”. It was like me trying to date Thandie Newton, so much in a different league we could be on different planets. And of course it cost a bomb, no way was I buying it…..

• Wikipedia advises that the correct term is “Personal Watercraft”, but Personal Watercraft Scum does not have quite the same ring to it.

I have a love/hate relationship with jet skis. I hate the people that own them, and I hate the people who rent them out; polluting the air and the ocean with fumes, oil and noise, and occasionally endangering my life with their stupid antics when I am sailing. On the positive side, I love jet skis when they are driven at speed into solid objects and explode on impact, killing the driver instantly.

Fortunately, the latest incarnation of the windsurfing club finds us far away from any jet ski rental locations and they are no longer an annoyance in my life; but they are sure as hell making lots of innocent tourists unhappy.

Walk along beach road any afternoon and you will find jet skis for hire. Rent one at your peril. The happy, smiling, charming beach boys will send you out into The Gulf with a smile and a cheery wave. Upon your return they will transform into utter cunts.

You will be accused of damaging the jet ski which will now, as the result of the minute scratch which has been there for years, have to be taken out of the water for repair. The costs of repair and the loss of business will be astronomical; probably at least 50,000 baht. You will proclaim innocence. They will show you a photo of you on the jet ski before heading out; look, no damage! This is because the image has been Photoshopped while you were out on the water (yes, they actually do this).

More heavies turn up and the threat of violence is in the air. Someone suggests calling the police and a convenient policemen turns up and tells you that you have to pay or else you will go to jail. He “negotiates” a reduction for you, still leaving an obscene amount of cash to be withdrawn from a convenient ATM and handed over to the scum.

Your holiday is ruined and the scum, and all those they pay off, including the police, are a little bit richer.

It’s a disgrace. If only the authorities knew about this.

In fact, they do. In March, spurred on by a local blogger who had the guts to go and photograph the scams in action, the mayor of Pattaya headed down to the beach, gave the scum a jolly good talking to, and then…. nothing.

The mayor’s Facebook page developed into a battleground between his staff who posted regular updates on the mayor’s wonderful achievements, and people posting updates on the continuing scams. The general feeling from City Hall seemed to be that the scams were overstated and that it was just foreigners giving Thailand a bad name.

Then a Thai TV Channel aired a report on the problem (warning: in Thai):

Oh dear. Time for City Hall to call hurried meetings proclaiming that things were being done. Maybe jet ski operators would be registered and maybe they would be encouraged to take out insurance. Maybe there would be booths where you would buy your rental ticket.

And maybe none of this would happen; which is precisely what has happened and the scams continue unabated.

Time for your valiant Pattaya Days reporter to record the scam in action. I went down to the beach today and captured this shot of a couple of jet skis starting a rental.

When I go for a camera outing, I saunter along, looking for something substantial that might make for a photo. When Ian of PattayaDaze goes for a camera outing, he walks very slowly and examines every leaf. As a result, he finds wildlife in the most unlikely places.

Spending the weekend with she who must be obeyed’s family was a logistical nightmare. We would arrive at a location and her brother would decide he needed to go to the toilet; so we would wait for him. Upon his return, my mother-in-law would decide she had the urge for a pee, and it was not until she returned that her husband trotted off to attend to matters. The eventual walk would then be frequently halted with stops for snacks, more urinating, and general fucking about.

This left me, trailblazing out on my own, with plenty of time to spare. I therefore “did an Ian” and spent time looking at leaves and their surroundings. I was rewarded with two bugs. They would have benefited from a macro lens and manual focus, but these Fuji X100 shots will have to suffice as proof of my endeavours.

I have no idea what this is, but I will call it a Leica fly (‘cos of the red dot):

(Yes, I love John Otway).

A day out around Chiang Mai not only had me nominated as driver; but also as photographer; supplementing she who must be obeyed’s thousands of shots of her family with a few more of her family including her. Not really a problem because the weather was dull, misty and occasionally rainy, not ideal for shots of temples and sweeping vistas (not that there were any).

So I had to be content with some flower shots. All taken with the Fuji X100 whose macro mode is ideal for flower-sized objects, but whose lack of decent manual focus make the whole enterprise rather hit or miss.

She who must be obeyed has many ideas for activities to fill in our days. Most are impractical, some are illegal, and one or two contravene the Geneva convention. I have long since learned that the best way of dealing with her stream of consciousness is to say “yes” to everything, safe in the knowledge that none will make it past the concept stage.

But one idea kept recycling, a family gathering. This meant her family, and me, at a place and time yet to be defined. Finally, the event was announced as being this last weekend, in Chiang Mai. Father and mother, sister, brother, brother’s wife and son; and us.

When the light is low, the ISO on your camera has to be raised, and the result is varying amounts of noise in the image.

The Fuji X100 copes with high ISOs better than any other camera I own. Not surprisingly, better than the GF1, but also better than the Canon 1D which tends to lose colour definition at higher ISO ratings.

The light at Doi Suthep temple this weekend was appalling. The whole area was covered in mist and clouds, and high ISOs were required.

This shot was at ISO 3200. Not only was most of the noise removable with only a small adjustment in Lightroom, but the camera also did a fine job of retaining all the colours.

Our busy week came to an end this afternoon when we flew to Bangkok from Chiang Mai. More later on the weekend, but she who must be obeyed certainly finished things off with style.

A little context, for those unfamiliar with our ways. We have a couple of cats. They don’t like us to go away and we rather miss them too. Normal reconciliation involves much cuddling and smelling of their fur which has a pleasant aroma.