It has been brought to my attention that there is a sporting event underway which has worldwide attention. It goes on for weeks and is being contested by sportsmen whose strength and stamina are almost beyond belief. Along with the sporting action, there are injuries, intrigue and deep strategy. It is totally absorbing and I am following the action whenever possible.

I am not, of course, referring to the World Cup of men chasing around a pitch for ninety minutes and then going to a night club. I am absorbed in the spectacle of more than a hundred athletes, battling on the roads and mountains of France for a couple of hundred kilometres every day for three weeks. C’est Le Tour de France.

Today is my wedding anniversary. I know this because I have it recorded in my computer’s calendar it is emblazoned onto my heart.

I was also reminded that today is a special day when she who must be obeyed presented me with an envelope. And not just any envelope; but a home-made envelope containing a home-made card.

A rainy day, so an ideal time to visit some property developments and pour scorn where appropriate (Spoiler: it was appropriate everywhere).

Out of town and headed south. Much further south than their brochure would have you believe; but finally we arrived at The Beaches.

This project has been touted for years; but it really made headlines last year when one of the directors of the project made off with about a hundred million baht of deposits from eager investors. Of course the company took full responsibility and announced it would honour any contracts distanced themselves from their director and told the customers to sue the thief directly.

Since then, all has been quiet, so it seemed time to go and check out progress. There will be hotels, condominiums, a water park, spa, tennis academy and a host of other world-class features. After a year of construction, maybe some of these facilities would be nearing completion?

In summary, no. In detail, there were some workers moving around some mud; but as all this was happening in the vicinity of the sales office it was not clear whether the mud was being moved for show or as part of the very early stages of construction.

As previously explained, the trigger for writing my photo guide was Albert, who had acquired cameras for himself and his wife, and wanted to know how to use them.

He had worked through the guide, pretended it was useful, and so today we decided we would all go out for a practice shoot. It was a Micro 4/3 only gathering:

My recent bout of man flu (recovered now, thanks for asking) meant that my usual routine of jousting, extreme rock climbing and midnight street luge had to be put on hold, and I was reduced to reclining in front of a monitor and allowing it to feed me flickering images of entertainment.

There was one particular movie I was keen to watch; but my usual torrent based supply kept feeding me junk files which were probably intended to infect a Windows machine; but on a Mac they just made it clear that what I had was not a movie. Eventually I did what I have never done before, I went to iTunes and gave that very nice Mr. Jobs $3.99 for the privilege of renting an HD movie. Had to leave it overnight to download; but the actual HD movie experience was excellent and it seemed a reasonable price to pay. I shall rent again.

Tens hours today, and I have forgotten how many in previous days, but at last it is finished.

I am of course referring to the never-requested, rarely-required, totally unnecessary Pattaya Days Starter Guide to Photography.

If you are already familiar with using a camera, you don’t need it.

If you have no idea how a camera will work, it will probably just confuse you.

If you really know about photography, you will no doubt spot errors and misrepresentation.

The Pattaya Days Starter Guide to Photography

Version 2, September 2011

Many people buy a capable camera; and then stick it in automatic mode and just go shooting. Some of their images will be OK; but their photography could be so much better, and a load more fun, if they just learned some of the basic rules about how a camera works.

So I have produced a guide for those who want to learn these basics. What’s the difference between shutter and aperture? What’s ISO and why should you care? What are the best settings to capture a building or a bouncy child? How can I photograph fireworks? All this, and much more, is contained in the guide.

The guide is in PDF format and can be downloaded here.

Once you have read the 70+ pages of this guide, you will have a clear understanding of how to get the best out of your camera. How much is this worth to you? If “bugger all” is your answer, then I am sorry for wasting your time. Otherwise a donation of around $5 would help recompense for the time and effort that I put in to creating it. Thank you. [paypal-donation]

Please leave any comments and suggestions for improvement via the Contact page.

“I found your guide very useful” - A monkey

My idea to produce a photography guide is getting a little out of hand, and it’s all Albert’s fault.

He came round last weekend to ask some questions about cameras. He was planning a purchase and foolishly thought I knew enough to give an opinion. Of course, my current enthusiasms meant that I strongly recommended a Micro 4/3s camera, such as the Panasonic GF1 or Olympus EPL-1. Apparently I was convincing because today he went to Bangkok and bought both! Good man, he won’t regret it (or at least I hope he doesn’t or else I am in deep shit).

During our chat he was honest enough to admit that he knows bugger all about how a camera works, other than you turn it on, point it at something and then press a button. He wants to learn how to use his new cameras properly, and I want to help him So I kicked off the idea that had been brewing for a while, a guide to the basics of photography.

And, with breaks for essential shopping and popping down to immigration to make my pointless 90 day report, I have been working on it for the last two days. I even went out to a temple yesterday to take some illustrative photos. These two show the impact on depth of field from using apertures F2 and F8 (if it is not clear which is which, you need the guide).

When I was eight I fell in love for the first time. Her name was Mary and there was little doubt that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I recall walking down a beach in the moonlight singing choruses from the musical, South Pacific. Very romantic, except Mary wasn’t with me; I was far too shy to proclaim my passion.

The years passed and, even as life became more complicated with the arrival of spots and hormones, Mary lingered in my memory as an example of female perfection. Finally, in my late teens, we met again. I’ll admit I was excited at the prospect. Maybe we would finally walk hand in hand down that beach in the moonlight, (although the music would have to be updated), and then we could practice some of those things I had recently learned that you could do with girls.

But Mary was a disappointment. The flaxen-haired waif of my childhood had grown up; but had also grown out to an alarming proportion. Her spots were of higher density than mine and her hair appeared to have been treated with lard. But worst of all, she was an I-Spy fanatic.

I-Spy books were a fad in the UK for many years. Your parents would buy you a little book called I-Spy On a Car Journey, with the hope you would spend the entire five hour trip to your Granny staring out the window looking for some object that you could then tick off in your I-Spy book; rather than asking “are we there yet?” every five minutes and your parents thinking “shut the fuck up”. There was I-Spy Birds, I-Spy Flags and I-Spy Pedophiles (or at least there should have been).

The object was to tick everything in the book and then send it off to Big Chief I-Spy who would send you back a feather and a piece of paper which purported to be an “order of merit”, but which actually announced “you’re a wanker”.

I-Spy was fun when you were in primary school; but they soon became boring and you ended up just ticking everything and sending it off to get the feather. By mid-teens you would openly mock anyone with an I-Spy book. So to discover that your dream girl was carrying round the complete set of I-Spy books in a small satchel and was keen to discuss her latest sightings, rather than handing out pills and suggesting we go back to her place and get laid; well, it would be an understatement to say I was disappointed. Mind you, had she offered me a pill and some sex I would not have been able to cope; but at least she would have garnered some respect.

Since that time, I have developed a sneering disrespect for the spotter community; so that would include anyone who bought this book: